Selfishness
by Hasegawa
Summary: Since the Fall of Communism, their relationship was halted into a long, awkward pause. China and his selfishness destroyed all--did he? pairings: Russia X China. Warning: Incorrect historical notes. Bonus: Hong Kong and his firework on sale !


Warning: uhm... I don't know what happen. Written in a trance between cantaloupe and V.

Disclaimer: This is not mine except the plot. All data was taken from internet, so if it's wrong, blame my lack of googling skil.

Pairing: Russia X China.

Enjoy.

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"Ivan… touch me, aru."

His voice was stern and small, soft, almost pleading. China crooked a smile from his stiff lips. The man didn't move, stared at him in cold gaze.

"Ivan… look… Ivan… I am cold, aru." China whispered words of seduction, things that usually would make the Russian came flying over him. Usually with the mention of '_cold'_ and '_touch'_, Russia would draped himself around China, whispering words of vulgarity yet warming and they would proceed to do something even better, something that would heat them both; outside and inside.

"Ivan…"

"Stop calling his name." Belarus came into the picture and shattered the world where there used to be only him and Russia. The lady stood tall beside the other side of the bed, looking down at her bedridden brother and the sitting, desperate, exhausted lover. _Ex_-lover.

"You know better why he ended like that here." Belarus continued. "Even now you still ask him to _comfort_ you? Ungrateful bitch! It's better to stay away from my dear brother or I'll make sure your country get vanished in 2 hours, just like that stupid brother of yours."

"… is being with me that painful, aru?"

"Yes, it is." Belarus added some salt to the wound. "Communism gets you nowhere. Looked at how empty he is now… the blood had stopped yet he was still empty… because you kept him into it. He helped you, he suffered everything, he gave every single thing he had for you. And now he is empty. So what else do you want? My brother's soul? Bitch."

"I am glad to trade mine for his, aru."

"Arrogant man." Belarus snorted. "What else do you have for him? you are too conceited. You know damn well you won't do anything for my brother because he has nothing left for you."

"I…" China was choked by his own tears. Half of him screamed, _NO_! But the other half, the deeper part of him, solemnly nodded to the statement.

He was a selfish lover.

"You are a selfish man." Belarus continued.

He stayed by Russia and entered communism because he knew he have somebody to depend and blame when anything went wrong.

"You stayed by my brother because you can depend on him and blame him for everything in communism that went wrong." The female voice unrelenting; voicing out his exact thought.

He used the Russian's childish dream of having a big fairytale sunflower field and somebody who will love him dearly, by his side.

"You used my brother's dream of having a soul mate to own a peaceful, wonderland-kind sunflower field. You tied him to you with his own dream."

He didn't love the Russian as much as he wanted to, as he thought he was.

"Admit it, you don't like him… as much as my poor brother thought you _were_." Belarus cried by the end of her one sided speech. She sobbed and grabbed her brother's palm. "Poor brother of mine… Why did you choose people like him? Oh…"

_Yes_, China whispered to himself. Why did Russia choose a man like him? Belarus knew everything, every single thing he thought. She made sure everything was true and clear to a foreigner. He was a man; cunning, selfish, hypocrite man. Somebody who didn't deserve his pure love. Somebody who didn't even love him back half as much as Russia loved him.

China couldn't breathe. His love was impure. He was too conceited because the Russian kept talking him into a wonderful world, the world where he was protected and nobody left or mocked him and all there was Russia, with his undying love. But he was crying inaudibly because he knew he didn't deserve to cry, so he stayed silent as good as he could.

Russia has fallen ungracefully. The Fall of Communism 1989. Russia was hurting and the big man fell down for the first time, from the hurt and pain of sibling wars and revolution. His body was torn figuratively. All left was the empty shell on the bed.

China clutched his hand and grinded his teeth. He didn't even help although he noticed the pattern of Russia's weird sickness—just like when he was broken down by Japan. But no, he turned a blind eye to the bigger man's pain because he thought too full of himself. Because Russia was supposed to protect him, and not the other way around. China admitted he was too selfish of his love. He was the one who caused the fall of Russia. Now Russia—no, more like Ivan Braginski—couldn't even open his eyes, let alone hugged him or kissed him with the childish trademark smile of his.

_I love you, Yao. I love you so much. I love you more than anybody else_.

China's heart stopped beating. It was hurting him to remember the words.

"I am sorry."

_I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry. _

********

He woke up in tears. He was ashamed because he was already 5000 years old and growing… and he still wet his pillow with tears. China wiped the tears from his face and went to prepare himself for the nation meeting that day. Another sunflower was sent to him, in front of the door. And all China did was staring at the flower stalk through breakfast.

As usual, America was loud and noisy; England was irritated and rude, France was seductive and silly. Japan was silent beside Greece and Turkey trailing behind them. Taiwan was talking animatedly to Hong Kong and Korea was trying to find Canada, who actually stood beside him. The whole Baltic nations were sitting together and talking between themselves. Germany was busy preparing his speech while North Italy sang his songs for his twin brother—who was being kept between Spain's arms.

Everybody was the same as usual. China sighed while he patted his Shinatty doll softly. Then he saw Russia, walking into the room, smiling sadistically with his water pipe. Their eyes met. Funny of how they always scanned the room when they entered the meeting hall and looked out for each other.

"Good morning, Wang Yao."

"Good morning, Ivan Braginski."

Simple greeting was enough. The first greeting was reserved for the very most important person. The conversation never started. Both felt too distant to actually start a conversation. They were lovers, they were enemies. They would never be friends. They don't know what to talk, except saying how deep their love for each other was.

They have nothing else to talk.

China sighed. He sometimes caught the Russian's stare at him inside the room. And sometimes he was caught looking longingly at the Russian too. They would smile awkwardly when they caught each other's stare and pretended they were staring at the wall behind them. Belarus then would remind them about reality, if she caught one of them staring at each other.

It's awkward, it's sad, but it was better for Russia. He didn't deserve anymore from the big man. He could only wish him happiness, and not the bringer of happiness himself.

*********

"Yao hyung, let's go quickly! Hong Kong's firecracker show will be starting soon!" Korea shouted from the door. China nodded and tried to walk as fast as his feet could carry. He was old, graceful and he did believe in taking time. But modernization had changed the meaning of taking time and thus, he was almost always left behind by his younger siblings. Yet he knew, he was always the first to know changes because he knew more than anybody else in the hall.

Everybody was running for the exit. He stumbled into the nation in front of him.

"Ah, sorry aru."

"Nevermind that." Lithuania smiled back, "Are you Ok, Mr. Wang?"

"Yes, thank you aru." China liked the small boy. He was a very fine, polite young man.

"Toris, what are you…" Russia stopped asking when he saw why Lithuania stopped walking. The sample show was almost started, and every nation rushed out of the building, to watch a splendid fireworks show and bid for it. Having a firework show in each of the countries and competed against each other was one of the favourite ways of nation to brag about themselves. Hong Kong got a lot of pocket money from the business.

Everybody rushed out of the corridor, while Russia and China were frozen on their feet.

"…did Toris… hurt you, da?"

"N..No, Ivan, aru. I am fine, It was my own… clumsiness."

"oh… good then, da."

"Ah… yes, Thank you aru… for the concern…"

He wanted to explode. China wanted to scream and hugged the Russian, asking him whether he was fine now, although it had been 20 years since then. He wished he could apologize, cutting one of his arms as a proof of his sincerity and made up for everything Russia went through because China abandoned him last time. He wanted to grab the Russian, whispering the words of love back. He just realized that waking up without somebody—and 'the somebody' specifically needed to be a Russian with thick scarves around his neck—beside him hurts so much. He just understood that all along, he loves the man back, but he was just too afraid to stumble down from perfect communism like how the Russian did. That time China was just trying to get himself well back from shock of being ridicule as the weakest nation on earth and he didn't want to tumble down again. He lost to his own weaknesses, yet he selfishly knew he loves, loves, loves the Russian.

"I… I am sorry, aru. Thank you."

Russia was silent. China took it as a permission to continue.

"I wished I had stayed. I wish I hadn't listened to my selfishness and leave you alone. I wished I was better, I wished I was the best lover you had. I wished… I wished we can get back, but I know… this is my selfishness again, aru. I don't deserve anything from you anymore, so please… don't be such a darling anymore and look after me, aru. Please stop walking me home secretly, please stop sending the sunflower, please stop staring at me, please… forgive me. I… I really love you, even now, aru… bu…"

"But what?" Russia asked sternly. "I love you and you know it. Now you say you love me too. And that's make me very happy, da? So now… what? Why can't I be… why can't we be lovers back? I don't understand da."

"But I don't want to hurt you anymore, aru!!!" China screamed, lost his control. "I don't want to make you sad because of my selfishness anymore, aru…"

"And I never say I mind being hurt, da? Only Yao… can hurt me and still make me happy."

"You… don't understand aru. You don't want those feelings anymore, aru. It was very painful and I am well aware of that, aru! I am nothing, I am old, I am a man, I have nothing to offer! I am glad to help you on anything you want, you can ask me anything and I will give you, but I don't deserve to be your lovers anymore, Ivan!"

"I… I am the one who decide on that matter, Yao. If you want to pay… then pay me."

"So what should I do, aru?" China asked desperately, hand creeping out for the man. Russia looked down and stared at the old-never aged beauty.

"Kiss me, da? One for each sunflower… everyday for 20 years."

********

"They wouldn't come." England sighed. America smiled.

"It's fine~! My mansion is big enough to let them do everything they want without having we hearing their cry, right, Artie?"

Hong Kong was busy bargaining with Australia about the fireworks price and Korea was tied up by Taiwan and Japan. "Yao nii need his privacy now." Japan sighed. "And you won't get them, Yoon So."

The Baltic nations were having harder time to stop Belarus from running into the mansion with her butcher knife. But she eventually calmed down when Ukraine lend them her hands.

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Review? *shot herself dead*


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